Posted on 12:10 AM by Tony Spunk
I'm a little bit puzzled about those new pregnancy test commercials on TV where some lady says the test can now inform you the exact moment conception takes place. I mean surely that could put a guy off his stride? I mean what does it do? Does it yell "Bingo!" when the dude blasts off a load? You're lying there with a saucy senorita, smoking a post coupling cigarette when some alarm bell starts clanging inside the lady's vagenie like a mutant church bell?
Also, it can apparently take several days for your little swimmers to actually penetrate that egg. The lady could be standing there taking notes on corporate finance from her boss, three days after you gave her sweet, sweet lovin', while wearing a tight pencil skirt, horn rimmed spectacles and a tight, tight blouse (sorry, I got sidetracked for a minute there) when suddenly this voice from deep inside her love canal yells, "ALERT! YOUR UTERUS HAS A SQUATTER!" It could be embarrassing, that's all I'm saying.
What's next, a pre-sex test that tells a woman if a guy is "the one"? Maybe it scans his credit report and tax returns and if he's on any sex registers before it will allow a lady to part her knees?
I'll tell you what sort of test I could use. One that warns me that a lady has a particular odor before I get her in a compromising position of no return. Maybe a little discreet text message that says "Smells like delicious strawberries" or "Stench like Danny De Vito's boob sweat" would be useful, to enable me whether to play hard to get or not.
You ladies could get a little test that predicts how long old Tony can last in the sack. The result will be in direct ratio to the size of your sweet badonkadonk. The larger your big, round ass, the less resistance I have, I warn you now. If your booty is tiny it takes me a little longer to get motivated.
What can I say, Tony's sweet lovin' is about quality not quantity.