Martha Stewart and Earthquakes

Posted on 2:46 PM by Tony Spunk

Howdy pardners!


Happy MLK day America. MLK was the bodacious gentleman who had a dream that all the races of the world could live together in perfect harmony. Or was that Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, I get confused? Anyway, we're all pink underneath guys, let's get along for Mr. King.

So what have I been up to this past week? Well earthquakes have featured heavily in my life for two reasons. One, my old buddy Henri was in Haiti visiting family when the quake struck. He's okay and his family are fine apart from his uncle Jesus who lost a finger and his pants (he was on the toilet when the shit went down taking his walls with it). According to Henri, Jesus is convinced the quake was caused by some dude called Papa Loumau whom he stole a dog from in 1976 and who likes to mess with voodoo.

I don't ask questions, I just walk away.

The second reason quakes are a part of my life this week is Pedro and I took part in a Haiti benefit show with a host of other local sparkly acts. The benefit made a shitload of cash and pulled in half-wasted tourists and gamblers from all over the place who were happy to pay $20 for a daiquiri if it helped some homeless Haitian get a meal for his family. So thanks to those guys for their generosity. And to the dude in the pink crop top and high waist flares who admired my organ, I meant it man, "Shannon" is a lovely name for a dude and I'm sure you're totally straight and only accidentally grazed my butt cheeks with the palm of your hand..

And thanks also to Jennifer, the lovely lady from Salt Lake City who gave some charity to old Tony in the form of letting The Captain get acquainted with her Pink Princess in the cloakroom behind the dancefloor. She was a pretty loud lady, old Jennifer. She sounded like Martha Stewart impersonating a ghost.

I have a bit of a lust thing for Martha Stewart I don't care who knows it. I'd like to make that woman scream my name in the worst possible way and make her forget all about matching bedroom sets. Sure she's old and crotchety but man the thought of her bouncing around on my lap makes me grow a third leg.

Peace out guys.


7 comments:

Ellie said...

It's always the wise thing to walk away. I studied voodoo for a while, (even got an authentic doll from new orleans!) so yeah... just walk away...
and keep doing those benefit shows for those drunks! >:D
btw.
i saw a book at work, and this is going to sound sooo stupid, but it was one of martha stewarts earlier books and i was (ok, here goes.) i was SURPRISED that she used to be young at one point! O_O
not only that, but she didnt look half bad!

Tony Spunk said...

HippyHoppy - Thank you ma'am. Actually, Tony's in a bit of a writing funk lately. No funny to be found. I blame winter and tequila. Probably more tequila.

Ellie - I bet Martha was a smokin' young lady. Actually I bet she was an ice maiden and scary. I'd love that scary right out of her though. Lady's got an inner love goddess I am sure.

Dan said...

Excellent stuff Mr Spunk! Now, Martha Stewart. Can't be arsed to google her, so i will leave it up to your good self to provide a description (I probably should know, but she isn't really that well knwon over here)

Tony Spunk said...

Hey man. Well old Martha's an old feisty lady who's well known here for her homewares and cooking and going to jail for fraud. She's balls out scary but somehow that does it for me. She's actually pretty nasty.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude, Martha Stewart? Are you high again? That woman would eat you for breakfast and not in a good way...

Tony Spunk said...

Veg man. You gotta learn to appreciate the wonder of Martha. So you're not into ladies but really we're talking sort of prime beef here so gender should be insignificant. I admit she's kinda scary but put a bag over her head and you can concentrate.