Hair Today...

Posted on 2:42 PM by Tony Spunk

It's a funny thing, fashion. I was reading the other day about mustaches and how nowadays they're pretty much the domain of donut munching bad cops, porno guys who like other guys' butts and dudes who frisk little kids' pants. At least until a dude gets to retirement age, then they're acceptable no matter what, because fuck, you've earned it buddy.

It's perplexing to me. I've had a mustache for years and I've always kinda had a notion they were passe and all that, but they suit me and they seem to fit with my retro cheese loungey lifestyle, you dig? I mean they never hurt Tom Selleck's luck with the ladies, right? They never hurt mine either. In fact, I have it on authority that it tickles in all the right places! The few times I've shaved mine off I felt naked and exposed, like Paris Hilton's glory hole only less dirty.

Hair's a weird thing altogether when you really stop and think about it. I mean hair styles that are cool as shit one year are just out of touch and square the next. Yet it's just stuff that grows out of all of us. Thing is we can't just let it be, can we? We have to cut it and coif it and gel it and comb it and shave it and tease it and dye it and curl it and straighten it, all in the name of cool. Well that and not looking like Animal from the Muppets, I guess. Or like...Kris Kristofferson.

Even ladies' va'genies are expected to conform to fads. In the 1970s it was normal to see a lady with a colossal tangled frizzy bush. Entire tribes of gypsies could have lived in a lady's bush in the 70s. I know this because when I was a kid, my uncle Dick had an astonishing collection of porn that I accidentally found in his attic while looking for a kite. It was horribly fascinating. There were all these beautiful hippy chicks, all shiny long hair and pert breasts and come hither smiles and they all had a big fucking Sasquatch sticking out the top of their panties. The ones that wore panties that is. The others were too traumatizing to think about. There was basically no need for bikini bottoms in the 70s because you couldn't see shit through that undergrowth. I was scared of vaginas until I was 31! OK, maybe 14.

Then suddenly it was all about the "landing strip" or a well presented, trimmed and landscaped triangle, not enough to cause your dentures dismay but quite enough to remind you that you weren't pounding a ten year old.

Then came the Brazilian, which, call me old fashioned, sort of dismays me a little bit. I mean that can't be easy for a lady for starters. All that hot wax on your hoobashaka can't be nice. Not to mention some sadistic she-whore ripping if off with the intensity of a kamikaze pilot. Then I'm pretty sure the stubble thing can't be all that comfortable when it grows back.

In fact I know it, because I admit, during a somewhat lost weekend in 1992, I shaved my entire johnson region bare as a baby's bottom. For real. Naked. Even my hairy peas. And let me tell you, shaving your balls isn't as simple as you might imagine. Even though I was hammered I remember thinking "This isn't the most sensible thing you've ever done, Spunk." Another tip for you gents who choose this road to insanity, just because you shaved something does not mean you need aftershave. Take me at my word on this. Do not spritz the naked scrotal area with anything containing alcohol. My eyes watered just mentioning it. I couldn't sit down for two fucking days.

It does make your pecker look colossal as the Eiffel Tower however.

Recently I've encountered a lady with a bush shaped like a pear and another with a lightning bolt shaved into it. All very lovely. Seriously though, I'm all for ladies just taming the wild beast, no need for bare, no need for art, no need for expression, just a nicely trimmed poon that doesn't look like it might escape and eat your dog.

12 comments:

Ellie said...

lmao!

dear tony.
you blog truth.

-ellie

Tony Spunk said...

I think you lovely ladies have a difficult job trying to live up to all those expectations about looks. Time to relax and be yourself and enjoy a cocktail and don't sweat it.

katrocket said...

I totally love your pussyduster. Please don't shave it off! Our Ned Flanders/Marge Simpson role-playing nights just wouldn't be the same.

Tony Spunk said...

Honey for you I'll keep the pussyduster. Incidentally I have this almost awesome vision of a hot lady with a giant ass buffing her vulva with a Swiffer while licking her lips. The ones on her face I mean. I got a funny feeling in my pants.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's amazing how obsessed humans are with the little tufts they call "hair". Do you have a decent growth on your chest?

Tony Spunk said...

Sir, my chest is like a quality shag rug. It's virile. I do occasionally have a tiny Asian lady wax my back however, as I'm a little too virile for my own good. She's a treasure that lady.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I knew a girl named Emily Poon in high school. None of us had heard that word back then, so she escaped adolescence intact.

I've been waxed exactly once, and it hurt so bad I laughed the whole time. She couldn't keep me still I was in such hysterics. I agree, we ladies need to just calm the fuck down about our crotch hair.

Tony Spunk said...

Emily Poon! No kidding? That's just the bees knees of names. Probably not for Emily but hey that's her problem right? I know a fella with the last name "Fancy" which is hilarious mainly because he's the least fancy guy you'll ever meet. Think Steve Buscemi in overalls with the vocabulary of that dude from Sling Blade.

Dan said...

My girlfriend shaved my nether region about three years ago.

Never again.

Not only did it end up looking like a surprised tortoise removed from its shell, but the itching afterwards was a nightmare.

I would be standing waiting for a train, and all of a sudden it felt like I had an army of red ants making home amongst my spuds.

Now I am hairy and virile, like bear.

Tony Spunk said...

I feel you bro. Not in a sexual way or anything. The itching is the worst. Plus you walk like have a load in your pants and not the good sort of load either. Nowadays I have a quick trim to keep things in order and apart from that I too am hairy and virile like a bear.

Miss OverThinker said...

Just found your blog thru Dan's (Vacant Mind)..

Please don't say completely bare is a turn off.. I prefer being bare, no matter the pain, I would hate to think that it's a turn off for guys..

Tony Spunk said...

The thing is, miss OT, ladies are ladies. Fuzz or no fuzz. Bare or a little triangular. I don't discriminate. I just like me a little bit of exciting lady fuzz to remind me I ain't playing with a school girl. Still, the barenaked ladies (and I don't mean the band) are fun too, particularly when you need to get down to business, if you get my meaning. With emphasis on "down".