The Ladies Both Male & Female

Posted on 11:14 PM by Tony Spunk

Some of y'all might notice that we've just had the Miss America pageant here in Funky Town. Who knew that crap still went on in this day and age? People still watch Miss America? Didn't that die out in the 70s with disco balls and sausages on cocktail sticks?

Anyway, I swear I'm still seeing black spots from being temporarily blinded by the eye melting glare from the sheen on Mario Lopez's hair as he drove down the Strip looking like a cross between a Hispanic gang member and a boy who spends his downtime salivating over other oiled up pretty boys doing abs exercises. I have a friend Jaime, who also prefers the sweaty touch of a gent over a sweet lady's caress and Jaime reliably informs me that Mario might not know he's a friend of Judy, but it's just a matter of time, that they all come round in the end. Jaime knows about these things. Gay dudes just have that sense where they can sniff a guy with an unsual spring in his step from a whole state away. Jaime practically had one of those never-ending boners they warn you about in Viagra commercials, for the last week because that tall flaming fellow from "What Not To Wear" was going to be there.

Anyway yeah, Miss America. Lots of half anorexic chicks with spray tans and big white gnashers parading around in swimwear and answering questions in a highly entertaining manner, like:

Host: Are you looking forward to the International Pageant Ball in Helsinki this summer?
Miss X: (clapping) Oh yes! I just love Sweden!

Those chicks are pretty and all but there's just nothing to get a hold of. You try bending one of those the wrong way and it'll break like a big old pretzel! Only with a tiny vagina somewhere in the middle. Plus how much stamina can a lady who only eats a carrot and a yogurt a day, have? Eat ladies. Eat!

So yeah, I pretty much stayed away from downtown the past few days to avoid the entourage of poseurs who inevitably show up around these events, yuppifying everything and saying things to me like, "Yeah, can you get me a chocolate Martini in a chilled glass, thanks." because they're too dumb to know I'm not a waiter, I'm a sparkly entertaining guy in a sixty dollar bow tie who was trying to have a quiet Martini and instead is now going to steal their drinks and seduce their wives, with my Tom Selleck eyebrow-limbo-dance, for revenge.

In other words, nothing much to report this week, except is it normal to get a hair on your nipple? I mean I'm a pretty hirsute guy but this lady I know, Alice, may or may not have this problem. Come to think of it, she sort of has an Adam's Apple too. And huge feet.

Fuck.


8 comments:

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

i have a friend who has hairy nipples. she claims it's common and normal. but i only know of ONE person - HER! maybe my friend is your friend alice. of course she says she plucks. it's disturbing that a girl just left the hair there. red flag! EW!

Tony Spunk said...

I had no idea the ladies got hairs on their love mounds. Ladies are just too streamlined and smooth you know? Not that there's anything wrong with it. That's what grooming is for. But it's a little offputting too. Of course I am perfect.

Miss Yvonne said...

The eating was the only part that kept me out of the Miss America competition I require at least two yogurts a day. I know, I'm a huge pig.

Tony Spunk said...

Hey lovely lady - the more yogurts the better. A dude likes a lady with a substantial rear portion, not a stick insect. Better still have a burger and swing the resulting badonkadonk proudly.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I ate a Cadbury Creme Egg this evening. I was going to eat an apple but I thought "Fuck that, Spunky says we ladies need real food" and that's all the justification I needed really.

Rock on you depraved monster!

Tony Spunk said...

Honey I told you before. You're supposed to make your ass rounder not starve it of necessary fats. An ass that doesn't wobble is no ass at all. So yeah. Uncle Tony's proud of y'all.

Dan said...

You really are one funny fucker Tony.

Thats all I have to say.

Tony Spunk said...

You really are one drunk fucker Dan.

But hey. It takes one to know one, right? Rock on my brother.