Posted on 9:57 PM by Tony Spunk

I've got this cousin Alberto (Bert) who's a little bit simple. He's about two years older than me, fat as a butterball and when we were kids my uncle Dick used to bring Bert to our house while he and my dad were out carousing and expect me to look out for him.

You know how kids are. They spot a weakness and they will exploit the living shit out of it for their own amusement, so old Bert had a pretty rough ride of it at times. He still wanted to come back though so either he was more simple than we thought or he just liked punishment. He was a pretty nice kid and I teased him mercilessly but we got along great for the most part.

One hot, dry summer day my ma was at work at Caesar's and Bert, who was inexpliqably wearing a tennis headband and some atrocity made of velour, and I were hanging out at my aunt Lola's ranch. I was probably ten at the time and Bert was about twelve.

So we're in the barn and we find this big wooden box. A chest. And so we open it up and there is all sorts of stuff in there. How can I put this delicately? Lady things. Lady things that ladies like to use to feel good. And pink fluffy handcuffs. And some things I couldn't even hazard a guess at. Bear in mind Lola was a genuine whore by trade.

There was an alarmingly huge black vibrator called "the Violator" that was big and wrinkled and rubbery and looked exactly like a gigantic cock, so I knew it was something dirty. It even had batteries in it.

Anyway, we were pretty bored so I got this idea to tell Bert that this big black cock was a weapon. A really cool weapon like a light saber that only cool kids had. Of course Bert wanted that big black abominable cock like it was a freaking milk shake. By the time I handed the Violator over to him he was virtually peeing his pants with excitement. I'd persuaded him to play a game called "Save the ranch from the enemies" and that "the enemies" were the horses in the nearby field. Bert must've chased those poor horses around that field for an hour while making swishing light saber noises with that big buzzing penis.

That was so successful I persuaded him to run inside and pretend to attack Lola with his "light saber", which he dutifully did, just as she was serving dessert to four of her girls and their clients, who included a local politician. Let me say nothing can really prepare you for a twelve year old fatty in a tennis headband, brandishing a giant black cock and screaming about taking prisoners. The looks on the faces of those people will live with me forever.

God bless you Bert you old dog.


Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude, is this the same Bert that had the cow shit episode? Because he is my hero.

Anonymous said...

lol. i came here from a comment you posted on another blog, (mr. condencending[sp?] i believe), and this story did not dissapoint!

Tony Spunk said...

Veg - That is the very same guy. He still gets into all kinds of shitty situations. Like literally.

Ellie - Welcome lovely lady! I just moved over here so I'm like the new kid in school so far. Thanks for dropping by. Your picture is smokin' by the way, please don't be creeped out by me saying so. Ladies with the glasses are the bomb.

Yes, I still say "the bomb".

Anonymous said...

well, if your new were going to have to start building your fanbase! =P
thanks for the comment btw. i was lol. (again!)

Gorilla Bananas said...

What a sweet boy. I hope Lola let him keep the vibrator as souvenir.

Kat Rocket said...

OMG TONY!!! I found you! -- I kept going to your old blog. It's just like you to wind me up and then not leave a forwarding address. Makes me want you more, big guy.

*meow!* Happy New Year, sugardick.

Tony Spunk said...

Senor Bananas - he is indeed a sweet boy even though he's now in his 40s and obsessed with Ryan Seacrest. It's best you don't ask really.

Kat - Sweet lady, I would never skip town on you honey buttocks. It would be almost against the Constitution or something whack like that.

otin said...

That was hysterical!!! Look, I have a dilema at this moment with blogger, where it will not allow me to follow any more blogs because it says that I am maxed out. Give me a few days and I will clean out my list and get you on there!

Tony Spunk said...

Well thank you kindly good Sir. I very much appreciate it. I'm just happy you stopped by. Even though you're not a lady. But so long as you don't require me to stroke your nipples I'm perfectly ecstatic with that.