Here's a short story about Pedro almost getting bitchslapped by some lady at Taco Bell.

Before you say it, I know, I know...what's a real, genuine Mexican doing at Taco Bell, right? Don't even ask.

Anyway, we had just finished a show and decided to catch a bite. So we're standing there, half drunk, eating burritos filled with supposed refried beans that looked like baby poop, when Pedro sneezed violently.

Now, normally a sneeze is no big deal, but in this case he sneezed so hard he squeezed his burrito a little too enthusiastically (not a euphemism for once) and it flew right out of his fist and I swear to God, smacked into this lady's cleavage with the approximate velocity of a heat seeking missile, spilling hot bean lava all down her chest (sadly, also not a euphemism).

This was a large lady (imagine if Jabba the Hutt swallowed Michael Moore whole then went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet) and I could tell you she wasn't as amused as I was at this cleavage aiming development, but that would be a grave understatement. She was ball-busting, head-spinning, hissyfit furious.

Next thing I know, she's making a sound like I imagine a warthog shot by an arrow might make and heading right for Pedro. For a lady the size of a hot air balloon she sure could motor. I was kind of impressed if you want to know the truth. Her fists were like giant hams.

I never saw that Mexican move so fast in my life. He was out the door and probably across the state line in under a minute. Luckily the lady was out of steam before she reached the door so catastrophe was avoided. I momentarily thought about distracting her with some sweet talking, as is my specialty, but just looking at her made my penis cry and it's not often a lady has that effect on the Captain.

It sure was funny but on retrospect, you kinda had to be there.