I know you've all missed the shit out of old Tony Spunk the past two days. Don't deny it. You've been sobbing like a chick at "Titanic".

I might as well just come right out and say it. I've been doing a midget. And by "doing" I mean inserting parts of my anatomy into her various exits and entrances with gay abandon. Don't knock it till you've tried it fellas. The little girls are fighters. Just make sure you get one with some curves otherwise it's like bouncing around with a ten year old and that ain't cool.

Her name's Vanessa and she doesn't appreciate the term "midget" I'm reliably told. "Little person" seems to be a preference of hers although that really puts a guy off his stroke because I don't know about you guys, but that term makes me think of Keebler Elves or like leprechauns or something. That ain't good for a guy's karma at crucial moments, you dig?

Then one night she choked on a piece of salmon and her face for a moment was alarmingly red. She got really pissed off at me, even though I performed the Heimlich Maneuver perfectly. I mean all I said was for a moment she looked exactly like an Oompa Loompa. I mean she truly did.

Then last night she left me sitting in the Golden Queen in the middle of my dim sung just because I mentioned that she couldn't finish dinner because her organs were smaller due to her being "pocket sized". It was a compliment, dammit! I guess I still have a lot to learn about the ladies. Especially the miniature variety.