The Secret To Being Awesome

Posted on 5:25 PM by Tony Spunk

The esteemed blogmeister and all round crazy guy, Dr. Zibbs, from That Blue Yak (why won't this shitty thing accept Tony's html linking skills?) requested that I give a little summary of my sense of cool. I'm not entirely sure my cool can be conveyed by mere words but I'm going to have a valiant stab at it, in the hope I can make the world a little more groovy with my knowledge. Don't try this at home though kids. It takes years of practice to reach this level of perfection, you dig?

Firstly, the Doc wanted to know about the "toe tapping and finger snapping" stuff that cool guys like myself employ from time to time to say, "Hey, we might be happening and sparkly but we're really just regular guys like you, with shinier suits!"

Here's a little breakdown for you:

UNO: The step forward on one foot, wink and point movement. This little move lets a lady know, "Hey, I'm looking at YOU, Sweetcheeks, and may I say you are lookin' foxy this evening?" Don't forget to swing your lead shoulder around sexily as you go into the point. If you can raise one eyebrow simultaneously, even better. This gives a sense of confidence in your own foxability. And whatever you do, don't forget to practice this in the mirror to make sure that wink and pout are smoldering. There's a fine line between smoldering and "Wow, I need to take a dump the size of Oklahoma!" This is important.

DOS: The lip curl. The lip curl was perfected by that big, old, dead swinging pelvis from the fifties, Elvis. The thing most folks don't realize is that the King didn't do that shit to be sexy, he did it because he had a twitch whenever he smelled cheese, which, if you're Elvis, is a lot. Same with that pelvis shaking business. He had Restless Legs Syndrome and had to move them all the time or he'd seize up and have a spasm on the floor or something.

The lip curl is either something you got or you don't. Tony Spunk has it and can growl menacingly while using it to mesmerize the ladies. Don't feel inferior if you can't pull it off though, it's really not essential. Sure, you'll never be as awesome as me, but you can still get by, ok, so long as you're rich as shit.

TRES: Toe Tapping: This technique is all about rhythm. Having rhythm is sexy but again, you have to do it right. Firstly, the song has to be mid-tempo and smooth otherwise you start tappin' to a fast, paced little number and you look like you're having some kind of seizure. And seizures ain't sexy. The song is too slow and it looks like you're just plain riding the short bus.

Secondly, tappin' alone won't cut it with the ladies. The ladies aren't dumbasses, they need a little more than a tappin' toe to dampen their gussets. The tapping must be accompanied by a little wink or nod or sly smile. Just a flash mind, nothing full on that shows the dazzlin' chompers. Those smiles are reserved for the old, drunk, rich people who look like they're half senile and tip crazy well . Just a little quick smile to suggest, "Hey. You and me could make beautiful music, baby!" is enough for the regular gals. Even if the lady looks like something a dog chewed-up under the Christmas tree, it helps to massage the lady's ego and let her think she's special. Plus her old man probably gave her some Benjamins to spend which she will dutifully use to tip you afterwards or buy you cocktails.

I would go into more detail, but a guy doesn't want to give away all his secrets in one go. Plus, you can't just jump into awesome, you have to let it come to you.