Somebody asked me last night in my local bar, "Hey Tony, what would your ideal woman look like?" Obviously, I have had my fair share of lovin' from the ladies, but his question made me stop and contemplate.

Now I've dealt my salami to a fair variety of ladies of different colors, shapes, sizes and questionable hygiene standards, so I think I'm qualified to comment here. I even got jiggy with one who turned out to not be a lady at all, which was a big fuckin' surprise at the time but we all make mistakes and well, that's a story for another time. What can I say, tequila makes you do fuckin' weird shit. All these luscious ladies have their different plusses and minuses.

For example, I don't like to see a lady's ribs. First, they're not comfortable for slidin' around on and they snap like twigs and secondly, seeing all those ribs makes a dude hungry. Plus I like a little bit of somethin' to grab onto, you dig?

I'm also an ass man. Nothing pops my cork quite like a pretty lady with a giant, overflowing badonkadonk ass, filling out her dress. The more it wobbles when she moves, the better my johnson dances. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a big old pair of double Ds as much as the next man and I've spent many a happy hour with my face inspecting some stacked lady's cleavage, but the ass is where it's at. Basically if you put Angelina Jolie's head on Jessica Simpson's honkin' huge titties and Jennifer Lopez's continent sized ass, that would be my perfect woman right there. Quite frankly, it wouldn't matter if she had no limbs, a speech impediment and a mustache, with that rack.

Having said this, the little B cup gals, they have their moments too. They look best dressed as Euro school chicks and chewing gum, but my manager says really it's probably best not to tap too much of that ass. He's probably right. Dude has to be right about something, he sure ain't right about his choice in suits or my fricking career.

I really love all the ladies. There hasn't been a lady invented whose ass Tony wouldn't hit. Even Bea Arthur has her moments.