A New Year A New Set of Trouble

Posted on 10:45 PM by Tony Spunk

Hey happy new year you funky assholes!

Another long gap huh. I can't be trusted, sincerely. I need to be monitored at all times for reliability, preferably by a buxom lady with a giant ass, brandishing a whip. Lately all the buxom ladies I meet have a giant ass, but usually he's her husband.

Ho ho.

So how are y'all? Is 2011 shaping up for ya yet? For me it seems optimistic. I have a couple of ladies interested in taking me to heaven and we're all on the same page regarding commitment or lack of it. No strings ladies. My type of girls. Both are lovely, curvy specimens of ladyhood and although I don't party with both at the same time, as I'm getting kind of long in the tooth for those types of shenanigans, both are delightfully ripe in their own sweet ways. I have no earthly idea what either of them see in a broken down old fucker like me, but thank God for whatever the hell it is.

Probably it's my cock. My cock is my best feature I feel, by far. I don't mean to boast or anything, lord knows I'm a weird looking dude and not all smooth and handsome like some guys, but my cock has magic powers even I don't understand. He brings out the best in a lady. He's a touch on the cumbersome side when trying to squeeze him into tight stage pants, but I hear he's a plus with the gals, although there have been a couple of fine ladies who claimed he was a little much to digest, as it were.

Check me out sitting here boasting about having a big wang, like I was fourteen. It's the only reason I can see that the ladies keep coming back. No pun intended. Like I said, my face looks like it's been rode hard and put away wet and I have the chest of a gorilla unless I go see my little Asian ladyfriend with a waxing kit, but my cock is just the shiny, velvetty pink mayor of Poundsville.

Plus, you know, I dig all ladies and that helps. Ladies like attention paid to their good attributes and they appreciate it. Here's a special secret for y'all, dudes like the same attention. It's an ego boost. So it's a win win situation really. A few well meaning compliments and you ladies can just unbutton my pants here and now and do what you please.

I'm going to start 2011 by confessing something in the name of honesty. On new year's eve, I was in downtown Vegas doing who knows what (I sure can't recall) but the one thing I do remember was some lady who was even drunker than I was, trying to seduce me in the parking lot. She kept bending suggestively over the hood of her car, sticking her big, round patoot practically in my mustache. Luckily I was so tanked I couldn't decide which of the three asses I was looking at was actually hers. Just as well. Turns out her husband is a cop. No one needs a dude of the law chasing him for weeks with a firearm because some fancy drunk guy rear ended his lady. So I staggered off quickly before a felony occurred, but as soon as I fell through my doorway, I retrieved my industrial sized tub of Nivea and recreated the entire thing in my mind.

Turns out there is such a thing as premature ejaculation and those pants will never be the same again. Dumb Martinis.

Was that TMI? Ah fuck it!


The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude. Seriously? I was eating there.

But tell me more. Have you had any more encounters with ladies of the law, making you sweat in their tight uniforms? I'm pretty sure they have a wanted poster of you in the precinct by now.

Tony Spunk said...

Honey, those police chicks are asking for attention in those caps and shirts that showcase their attributes. I think I have a fetish for severe looking ladies who might whip my ass at any point. I just sprung a boner typing this comment. See what you did?

Gorilla Bananas said...

A good imagination is a blessing from heaven, whether you're a writer or a wanker. A double blessing if you're both.

Tony Spunk said...

As both of those things I concur entirely Sir. I'm more of the latter I'd say although I prefer to think of it as "self exploration" as that sounds classy.

Dan said...

It’s nice that you are proud of a certain aspect of your being. Mine is my eyes. They are dreamy. Yours is your cock. There is poetry in that mate.

I bet you own a leopard print banana hammock as well, don't you? For the, you know, ladies.

Happy New Year Spunky Dude. May the loose women of the world not know what hit them.

Tony Spunk said...

Well hey there Danny boy. I'm sure you have bitchin' eyes, man. I'm sure your cock's okay too although I ain't inquiring, you dig? It's weird you mention the leopard because I do indeed have some funky little pouch for my berries but it's for special occasions only. Shit is uncomfortable. And may or may not give the berries a chafing.