I'm Perhaps Mildly Smashed Right Now

Posted on 8:17 PM by Tony Spunk

November 8th 2010

Hey you! Someone needs to seriously think about kicking my ass. Someone other than some old gal's husband who thinks I'm getting fruity with his lady, I mean. I got plenty of those fuckers. I was thinking more along the lines of someone jolting me back to blog land because I'm quite clearly the laziest shit that ever lived lately when it comes to updating.

It's not that I don't want to. I love you guys. I love talking about my stupid life and the fact I dig the ladies and sport a big, hairy, sexy as all fuck, Tom Selleck mustache (apparently).

I actually shaved the stash off for a few weeks there. It was a mixed blessing to be honest. It was kinda refreshing to see me look about ten years younger with only five minutes of work and it was hellova cool thing to wander around my local dives in Vegas with people looking at me quizzically like "I sorta recognize that dude, but I'm not sure...." instead of "Hey there's that super sexy Tom Selleck mustache guy who makes satin look manly, I wonder how long it'll be before he's impaling a lady on his wang!"

Ha, I'm totally kidding. Usually they're all like "Dude, your suit's so fuckin' shiny you'll start a fire if you rub against yourself!" and "Hey dude, you're a homo!"

The Spunk is no homo as y'all know. Not that there's anything wrong with it. As you know some of my nearest and dearest are lovers of the back entrance and the pork. I don't judge. A dude has to choose his own path, you dig? It's just that mine is a complicated path. I dress like a friend of Judy but I have the genes of Casanova. I can't help it. I love ladies. If you're a lady, and you have a pulse I love ya. Regardless of age, size, color, ginormous feet, innies or outies, fried eggs or melons, Tony loves you. My only stipulation is you don't smell like old cheese. That's offputting for a guy. 'The Captain' doesn't respond to stankiness.

Of course if you have a giant amount of junk in the trunk it's possible I'll be able to home in on you from three miles away, with an erection like a fucking log and even the stench of death wouldn't quash my desire. Not that I mean I'd ever do a corpse, no way man. I mean not usually. I don't know, is she a hot corpse? Ha, kidding. That's just wrong. I like my ladies breathing and willing and bouncy.

So yeah what was I saying? Oh right, the stash was on leave. I felt the breeze on my upper lip for the first time in forever and it was all just peachy. Then some lady said I looked like a young Tony Orlando and well, fuck lady! I just lost my wood.

So here I am back in blogland and I've already written a whole entry about nada and still haven't updated you about anything worthwhile. That's how I roll, ladies and genitals. But know this. I love you guys.



Gorilla Bananas said...

Tony Orlando? That's rough, man. Have you ever tried a butt plug?

Pearl said...

You are very funny. :-)


Tony Spunk said...

Mr Bananas - Right? Dude, my credibility went right out the window. I mean, maybe I do sing some of the guy's songs now and then for the older crowd but my mustache is 11 times better than his ever was. Plus the dude's gotta be like 70 now, no?

Pearl - And you are a rockin' hot lady, Minneapolis. We're even. I mean this most respectfully, you're a classy lady, too classy for me, clearly. But I dig a chick in glasses. You have no idea. Well you do now. Especially a smart chick in glasses. Hubba!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Spunky! Tony Orlando is like God. Don't go hating on the Orlando or he'll go and tie a yellow ribbon round your damn neck and pull!

Tony Spunk said...

Whoa, didn't see you there man. You lurking these days or what? Hey Orlando is a demi God what can I tell ya? I'm jealous. Go figure.