Tony Needs Some Punani

Posted on 1:50 PM by Tony Spunk

You know, one day I'm going to wake up all lively and inclined and type something here that makes sense and is entertaining. I have faith that it will happen sooner or later. My blogging mojo is still nursing itself back to health, but it still has the cough of death about it. It needs some tender lovin' ladies, how about it?

So I hope you're all well? I've been engaged in the same old shenanigans. Gigging, sleeping, scratching my balls, buying Nivea, baiting The Mexican, banging the ladies, buying shiny shirts. The usual. I'm an old dog, you can't teach me new tricks. Although if you're a lady with a badonkadonk behind, I'm willing to try. I'm eager to please.

Just mentioning ladies' asses made the Captain start to perform a polka in my pants. I guess that means I need to get laid bad. Because although I have been banging the ladies technically, by my standards I've been in a severe lady drought. Mainly, I haven't been going out much except to play shows and I guess my pants mojo hasn't been all there either. I was getting a little worried, because me not thinking about doing unmentionably dirty things to ladies' asses, must mean I'm suffering from some life-threatening condition and that would kinda suck, don't you think?

But then last night I was watching an episode of "Sex and the City" (hey it ain't just for the ladies, dudes, you guys should get in touch with your feminine side and check it out, plus there's naked boobies all over the place, you dig?) and a naked shot of Kim Catrall's ass made the Captain suddenly get rigor mortis. I can't help it, truly, I dig Kim Catrall, that sexy, dirty cougar. I imagine dipping the Captain in Kim would be a bit like boning a pack of Pilsbury dough. All warm and soft and...will you excuse me for a minute, there is something urgent I must take care of in the bathroom.

That's better. What was I saying? Yeah, I need to get laid. Hope all of you are doing better?

4 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

So you're using the Nivea as a wanking lubricant? How does it compare with Vaseline?

Tony Spunk said...

Well the thing is, Nivea is one of those things ladies use to moisturize their areas (!) therefore I like it because it leaves your skin nice and soft and less gloopy and sticky like Vaseline and..it smells sort of nice. So you can kid yourself that there's been a lady around and she left that lady face cream smell.

I'm a sick fucker aren't I?

However, if you're fast it's great but if you take a good long time to get to the crescendo you might chafe a bit.

Masturbation 101 with Uncle Tony. Take it.

Dan said...

If you were to lay with Kim Catrall, wouldn't you have to check for a pulse first? Either that or perform some magic ritual to resurrect the Egyptian god that is obviously powering her.

Hope you wet your whistle soon bud.

Tony Spunk said...

Hey Danny boy, hope you're doing well. I'll be checkin' in with ya shortly for my entertainment quota. And yeah, Kim Cattral. I don't know what it is man but she's a foxy chick for an older lady. I ain't ageist, I just dig a sexpot no matter what age. Especially when she's carrying some junk in the trunk. Oh man, I'm a sexist old fucker, I apologize ladies.