Alberto
Posted on 9:57 PM by Tony Spunk
I've got this cousin Alberto (Bert) who's a little bit simple. He's about two years older than me, fat as a butterball and when we were kids my uncle Dick used to bring Bert to our house while he and my dad were out carousing and expect me to look out for him.
You know how kids are. They spot a weakness and they will exploit the living shit out of it for their own amusement, so old Bert had a pretty rough ride of it at times. He still wanted to come back though so either he was more simple than we thought or he just liked punishment. He was a pretty nice kid and I teased him mercilessly but we got along great for the most part.
One hot, dry summer day my ma was at work at Caesar's and Bert, who was inexpliqably wearing a tennis headband and some atrocity made of velour, and I were hanging out at my aunt Lola's ranch. I was probably ten at the time and Bert was about twelve.
So we're in the barn and we find this big wooden box. A chest. And so we open it up and there is all sorts of stuff in there. How can I put this delicately? Lady things. Lady things that ladies like to use to feel good. And pink fluffy handcuffs. And some things I couldn't even hazard a guess at. Bear in mind Lola was a genuine whore by trade.
There was an alarmingly huge black vibrator called "the Violator" that was big and wrinkled and rubbery and looked exactly like a gigantic cock, so I knew it was something dirty. It even had batteries in it.
Anyway, we were pretty bored so I got this idea to tell Bert that this big black cock was a weapon. A really cool weapon like a light saber that only cool kids had. Of course Bert wanted that big black abominable cock like it was a freaking milk shake. By the time I handed the Violator over to him he was virtually peeing his pants with excitement. I'd persuaded him to play a game called "Save the ranch from the enemies" and that "the enemies" were the horses in the nearby field. Bert must've chased those poor horses around that field for an hour while making swishing light saber noises with that big buzzing penis.
That was so successful I persuaded him to run inside and pretend to attack Lola with his "light saber", which he dutifully did, just as she was serving dessert to four of her girls and their clients, who included a local politician. Let me say nothing can really prepare you for a twelve year old fatty in a tennis headband, brandishing a giant black cock and screaming about taking prisoners. The looks on the faces of those people will live with me forever.
God bless you Bert you old dog.
