Me Speechless? It Can Be Done

Posted on 3:12 PM by Tony Spunk

Hey there my little blogolas! Long time no see. This is because I’m still in the throws of being a lazy ass and because I’ve been far too busy dallying with lovely ladies to be writing here for the likes of you reprobates and delinquents. I’m joking. Y’all are beautiful people. We both know it. Your beauty knows no boundaries. But still, dallying with the ladies is mucho importanto.

Especially since, in all honesty folks, I’d been slipping a little lately in the lady department. Like my mojo packed its bags and took off for sunnier climes without me.

The Captain was also in mourning due to the lack of serious punani coming his way. I thought he might shrivel up and drop off from lack of use, so I had to practically buy stakes in Nivea for a while there to keep him in good working order, you dig? Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. We all do it. It’s good for one’s health. Or something.

Anyway, I’m back on the lady wagon, thanks to a hectic few weeks with a lady named Amber. I can’t quite decide if “Amber” is like, a porn name or the name of an innocent chick who works at the library. However I’m going to go with the former, because my Amber sure has some moves in the sack. She even kind of shocked me and well, that never happens. A guy has to draw the line someplace though, and someplace for me turned out not to be Brownsville, Texas, as I’d always assumed, but a lady who likes to take complete control in bed. Who’d have thunk that would derail old Spunky huh? Anyways, complete control to this chick means she down and out proposed an evening of switching roles. You know, in that way…

I was lost for words for a whole 20 seconds people. I mean this chick wanted to pound me. She hinted at having one of those strap-on contraptions that lesbian chicks apparently dig, and she wanted to try it out on my ass. Literally as it happens. Thing looked like one of Muhammed Ali’s legs! Hell no. I’m all for experimentation and all, but truthfully my chocolate starfish puckered up like a toothless geriatric sucking on a lemon just thinking about it. Tony’s posterior has a strictly ‘exit only’ policy. No foreign objects allowed.

I think she was kind of disappointed but what can you do? As that Meatloaf dude once famously said, “I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” Now I know what he meant!

Peace out guys.

I Am Actually Still Alive

Posted on 9:19 PM by Tony Spunk

Holy hell, here I am again being all delinquent with my updating. There was a time I was a whore for this blogging deal and I'd like to be again only I've been suffering a somewhat dry period. For writing I mean, not for the ladies. I mean there ain't no flying porcine beasts outside, right? No, the ladies are still flowing like a good, chilled wine.

I do realize I sound like a misogynistic asshole sometimes and well, I am. I don't mean to be, honest, it's just that my appreciation for the fine ladies of the Earth is so overwhelming I get carried away and say things that could be construed as vulgar. And actually are. But I mean well, I truly do. See it's all about the appreciation. I appreciate every single day the fact that fair, curvy, spicy ladies of all ethnicities and ripeness like to ride my fleshy pony. I'm thankful to whatever God might be up there that they let a weather beaten old fucker like me touch their smooth ivory (or ebony!) flesh. And if there is a God I bet she's a lady too. A fine lady with an ass like a well filled water balloon.

Is that blasphemous? It's a compliment.

I should point out that Satan is probably also a lady. Namely Sarah Palin.

So yes, stuff's been going on personally and professionally and I do have stories but this here writer's block's been kicking my ass like a basketball player in a bar fight and I can't seem to shake it. The block I mean, not my ass. I can shake that bad boy like Michael J. Fox at a Parkinson's Convention.

That was tasteless huh? Sorry Mikey man. Peace to you, bro. And no hot drinks, okay?

So yeah, Uncle Tony's back and checking you all out. Hi to you new guys following, I am going to stalk you all till the restraining order arrives.

Love.